we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
