Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All I want is dick and wine.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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