Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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