Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
