the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
