Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
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