Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
