so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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