I'm gonna have a badass scar
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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