So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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