Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
