Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
