is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
