Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
