I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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