You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
