worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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