jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
