So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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