Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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