I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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