my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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