Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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