Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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