That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
