If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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