Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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