If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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