I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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