i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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