i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
