I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
