WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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