Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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