i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
