checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
