FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
