she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
