They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
