Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
