If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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