when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
