Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
