Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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