please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
