seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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