yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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