Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
