do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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