We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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