I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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