you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
