I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
