Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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