there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
