so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
