Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
