Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
