i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
