She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
