I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
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So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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