Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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