This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
