I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't trust your balls anymore.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
