A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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