i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
