I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Is Oprah even human
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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