you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
