Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
